1. dont you find it funny that after monday(m) and tuesday(t), the rest of the week says wtf? 540

2. when i got the key to success someone changed the lock:-p 367

3. is wondering if you can grow marijuana on farmville then sell it on mafia wars? 216

4. a relationship status that says 'it's complicated' just means 'in a relationship with a psycho' 189

5. your intelligence is my common sense 185

6. she explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed! when satisfied, she left! damn mosquito 181

7. light travels faster than sound. this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 159

8. speak only when you feel your words are better than silence! 155

9. if you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say 'in jesus' name, amen' 125

10. i wait online all day to see your name pop up. because even if it's a 5 min conversation it makes me smile 106

11. is proud of herself. she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years 81

12. never laugh at your wife's choices. you're one of them! 73

13. youtube, twitter and facebook are combining and will now be called youtwitface 67

14. lord i want to be worthy of your mercy. with your grace i know i can be. amen 67

15. just when the mind found the answers, the heart changed the question.. 64

16. facebook is like jail. sit and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know. 57

17. (>'.')># i was going to give u this waffle,but im hungry, so i ate it (>'#'<) 54

18. is sick and tired of being sick and tired. =( 54

19. before conjugation, you help each other get naked. after conjugation, you only dress yourself. 52

20. i am nobody. nobody's perfect. therefore, i am perfect 51

21. the awkward moment when god asks beyonce “who runs the world?” 47

22. just because you have the right to do something does not make it the right thing to do. 42

23. seeing a spider is nothing. it becomes a problem when it disappears. 41

24. my door is always open, so you're free to leave any time. 39

25. is mad her guidance counselor never told her she could be a pirate when she grew up 38

26. if you live life so cautiously as to never fail, you end up failing at living life itself. 37

27. have you noticed that the ' lol ' symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud 37

28. ur happiness is my sadness bcoz its the emptyness of my wallet.... 37

29. i dont want to hurt you!!!!!......it is on the list though! 35

30. anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. 35

31. if money growed on trees then girls wouldn't mind dating monkeys......:d:d:d:d 34

32. i dream of a perfect world where chickens can cross the road without their motives being questioned 33

33. roll up your problems, lick down your solutions. burn the past. inhale the goodshit, and exhale the bullshit. 32

34. feels like doing homework. so is waiting for that feeling to pass 29

35. don't follow me, i'm lost too 25

36. i'd rather check my facebook than face my checkbook 25

37. have you seen superman ? i see it everyday when i come in front of a mirror :) 24

38. you're so vain, i bet you think this status is about you, don't you? don't you? 24

39. insert coin to view my status message 23

40. girls are like roads...the more curves they hav more dangerous they are! ;p 23

41. women!!!!!!!! the most efficient way of cutting a mans bank account short!! 23

42. coins always make sound but currency notes are always silent. so when your value increase keep yourself calm and silent..............@$#!$# 22

43. if only life came with a ?? rew ? play ¦¦pause ¦¦stop ?? ff 22

44. being ugly isnt ur fault but coming out and scaring others is definitely ur fault 22

45. boy: hey dad i got a girlfriend dad: good job son! girl: hey daddy i got a boyfriend! dad: *loads sh 20

46. when people talk about right and left, they're not talking about right and wrong 20

47. u broke my heart bt y do my heart still beats and loves u like i used to...... 19

48. hey, why are you reading my status? get back to your work !!! 19

49. dont talk behind my back because you're in a good position to kiss my butt! 18

50. on a scale of 1 - adele, how bad was your breakup? 17

51. scratch here ###### to see today's status! 17

52. if i want to raise a carnie family with my carnie wife. who are you to stop us?! 17

53. 'he is no fool who loses what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose' 16

54. be good like god with an extra o... god knows that my check needs some extra o's 15

55. i stepped on a frosted flake..i guess that makes me a cereal killer?=( 15

56. people hang on my every word, even the prepositions... 14

57. behind every successful woman there is a man checking her ass out!! 14

58. parents always teach their child's not to talk 2 strangers,,,but d funny thing iz dis--- dey thmselves support arrange marriages :-( 14

59. if a cop stops me nd says papers........... nd i say scissors,,, do i win????? 13

60. have you ever noticed that all women behave a lot like gremlings? they are all nice & cute, but if feed them & make them wet they get crazy 13

61. money is directly proportional to happiness... 13

62. let me change social network as father joined the same i am using now 13

63. - the first americans revolted over a 3-cent tax 13

64. its better to struggle together, than make it alone. 13

65. women are like cats; they never come when you call, but come right away as soon as you ignore them. 13

66. nothing can be beautiful which is not true. 13

67. i have a long list of things to accomplish today....now if i could only find the list!!!!! 13

68. there is add friend button on my profile, kindly, don't click it... 12

69. is not 'staying out of trouble' and not 'keeping busy' 12

70. feds cite constitution in lawsuit against arizona: if only they would follow it themselves! 12

71. you think life can't get any better, then you move to texas 12

72. stupid: seeing the truth, knowing the truth, and still choosing to believe the lies 12

73. shut up! i wear heals bigger then you 12

74. i wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: 'thanks for coming.' 12

75. i forgot to pretend to water my fake flowers 11

76. good girls go to heaven,bad girls make you feel like you are in heaven!! 11

77. wife: i wish i was a newspaper, so i'd be in your hands all day. husband: i too wish that you were a newspaper, so i could have a new one ev 11

78. women are like gremlings, there all cute and nice, but onces they get wet.they turn into monsters :) -ghs iceland 11

79. my computer beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at wrestling! 11

80. do you believe in love at first sight ir do i have to walk by again ? :d 11

81. when a thing is new, people say: 'it is not true'. later, when its truth becomes obvious, they say: 11

82. there is a great man who makes every man feel small. but the real great man is the man who makes every man feel great 11

83. to write it, one must suffer it. 10

84. i either want less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it 10

85. you're not even worth the letters in this status 10

86. dejav is what i get everytym i think of you! 10

87. i don't believe in the constitution because i'm american; i'm american because i believe in the cons 10

88. being able to be with the one you love is the good thng and u must always appreciate that 10

89. just like the alphabet, i come before u! <3 10

90. plizzzzzz,! my money is an endagered species!!! i aint giving you none 10

91. i wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'i'd so tap that.' 10

92. look at my face-> :)does it really look like i care who you with!! 10

93. children should be taught that they are infinitely valuable, but also that they're not the only ones who are. 9

94. the last time, i was inside of a woman. it was when i was inside the statue of liberty. 9

95. you're so vain, i bet you think this status is about you, don't you? don't you? 9

96. i think that if your relationship status says, “it’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yours 9

97. if at first you don't secede, try, try again 9

98. is proud of himself. he finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years 9

99. one is apt to think of moral failure as due to weakness of character: more often it is due to an inadequate ideal 9

100. a good occupational force must never crush; it must corrupt. 9

101. it's better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate 9

102. there ain't no rules around here. we're trying to accomplish something. 8

103. turned down the lead role in a cage and is sticking with the walk-on part in the war 8

104. who would have known that snookie & gremlings are twins,if you think about it,both are fluffy and cute,and turn into monster if they get wet 8

105. 'reading old messages den realizing . .hw much u actually miss dat one prsn. . . .'? </3 8

106. girls are like cell phones, they like to be held and talked to, but press the wrong button and you’re disconnected. 7

107. my attitude :- a girl proposed to me. and i said: ! ! 'sorry, i won`t accept your proposal, but i apprecate your selection...'!........... 7

108. the test results are in. i'm a hypochondriac. 7

109. i liked the answer of this germaniun muslim scholar when he was asked about terrorism and islam : he said : who started the first world war ? muslims 6

110. fooey!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i had to say one time!! 6

111. excuse me, if i go straight this way will i find your heart? 6

112. i asked everyone except god. no one answered me except god. 6

113. never says something 'tastes like chicken' not even chicken 6

114. i changed my ipod’s name to titanic...it’s syncing now 5

115. if you treat me like a princess.... then you get to f*** me like a pornstar . ( hildur lilliendahl ) 5

116. do youhave a permit?coz girl arent you driving me crazy! 4

117. if i was any better, i'd be twins 4